i wish...

Ever wish you could just say everything you are thinking and feeling, and it all come out exactly how you hear it in your head? Ever wonder why when you are hurt, upset, angry, or sad you can't really explain things right...can't put things in the right order as they come out of your mouth. This never seems to be a problem when you are excited or happy about something. When you are happy about something, it never seems to matter what order the words come out in...they end up making sense. Why can't the opposite be true? Does't it seem that you should be able to make yourself more clear and precise when you are trying to explain difficult feelings.

 Explaining things in that state of mind is so hard. Hard enough that there are a great many people out there who avoid doing that explaining at all because it's so difficult. Because their words don't come out right. Because they rush what they are saying. Because they rehearse it in their heads 100 times before they acually say it, but somehow when its really being said, the sentiment, words, and emotional cues never come out right. They cry when they are mad, laugh when they are sad, and get angry about everything.

This is who I am. I am one who holds in all the turmoil in my head to avoid the crying, angry, discombobulated, unsure, stressful and hurtful conversation with somebody rather than just biting the bullet.
I know people, am jealous of these people, who can just say what they feel or think, and consequences be damned, people are going to hear what they think. I try and try to mimic those emotional powerhouse people who, even if it doesn't go the way they want it to, tell it how they see it and expect people to hear them as they want to be heard.

When I try this...nothing goes right. I sound unsure, or accusatory, or angry when I'm really only sad. Why is it that people like me can't learn the graceful tongue of the seen and heard folk? I wish I could say things the way I can write them. I wish I could see a conversation, confrontation or argument in my head and it come out that way, the same way I see a nail design and it comes out how my head saw it.

 Where do I go to get that confidence in my feelings. How do I give myself the legitimacy to feel the way I feel without the guilt laden feeling of having no right to feel that way?