family pics

A couple weeks ago we had a family picture session with a local up and coming photographer. Normally our family pics would be the responsibility of my older sister Michelle because she does such a great job. But this young lady is a family friend and needed some shots for the portfolio so we agreed to let her take them. I got the CD yesterday in the mail, and I am not totally in love with them, but there are a few good ones. I'm not sure what has me turned off. I just can't find that ONE picture I LOVE to give out to family, and some of them are just strange lol. I posted only a few online at FB because I didn't want everybody to see all of them. But here are all the shots we were given and you can decide what you think....

Wordless Wednesday- Nail Designs

Ok so a lot of my blog is heavy topics of my life and struggles right now...wordless wednesday is going to be fun. These are just a very few of my favorite nail designs of the past few months. enjoy....

Ireland Forever

Geometric Sparkle

Plaid

Practicing on myself 

still practicing 

St. Patricks Day 2011

Team MARIO

YUM

Marble

again with the practicing

Roses

Swirls of Wind

i wish...

Ever wish you could just say everything you are thinking and feeling, and it all come out exactly how you hear it in your head? Ever wonder why when you are hurt, upset, angry, or sad you can't really explain things right...can't put things in the right order as they come out of your mouth. This never seems to be a problem when you are excited or happy about something. When you are happy about something, it never seems to matter what order the words come out in...they end up making sense. Why can't the opposite be true? Does't it seem that you should be able to make yourself more clear and precise when you are trying to explain difficult feelings.

 Explaining things in that state of mind is so hard. Hard enough that there are a great many people out there who avoid doing that explaining at all because it's so difficult. Because their words don't come out right. Because they rush what they are saying. Because they rehearse it in their heads 100 times before they acually say it, but somehow when its really being said, the sentiment, words, and emotional cues never come out right. They cry when they are mad, laugh when they are sad, and get angry about everything.

This is who I am. I am one who holds in all the turmoil in my head to avoid the crying, angry, discombobulated, unsure, stressful and hurtful conversation with somebody rather than just biting the bullet.
I know people, am jealous of these people, who can just say what they feel or think, and consequences be damned, people are going to hear what they think. I try and try to mimic those emotional powerhouse people who, even if it doesn't go the way they want it to, tell it how they see it and expect people to hear them as they want to be heard.

When I try this...nothing goes right. I sound unsure, or accusatory, or angry when I'm really only sad. Why is it that people like me can't learn the graceful tongue of the seen and heard folk? I wish I could say things the way I can write them. I wish I could see a conversation, confrontation or argument in my head and it come out that way, the same way I see a nail design and it comes out how my head saw it.

 Where do I go to get that confidence in my feelings. How do I give myself the legitimacy to feel the way I feel without the guilt laden feeling of having no right to feel that way?

way OVERDUE update

Ok so it has been forever since I blogged (sorry, I need to make it a priority) so I am going to try and do a quick catch up for everyone. Here is my life in bullet point since June....

* My mom left my dad and moved into an "assisted living place". She is seeing their long time friend. We have all been fighting all summer, spying on her, listening to my dad go completely insane and possibly into the frame of mind to hurt himself, and I have been having nervous breakdowns routinely.
* I moved into a new house. We moved in mid July to a 2000sqft split foyer home and LOVE it here.

 We have double the room we had, the girls have an entire basement to play in and THE YARD IS HUGE

(this is only a partial pic from the deck)

* We now have 2 kittens who are about 6mo old now. They are twins as far as we can tell. Their names are Ash (because he was found in a burned down house) and Braveheart (because after being found in the fire, he was the most brave with humans) They are all black with yellow eyes and are the perfect halloween cats. 

Ash at about 3 mos

Braveheart at about 4 mos.

* The girls started school. G started 1st grade and is already reading chapter books. Right now she is devouring the Junie B. Jones series and since getting them on Tues, has read 3 full books! (today is the following Monday) I am so proud of her. She loved riding her school bus. She made a little friend down the street and they all play together as much as we parents will allow it haha. My little A started pre school too. She loves it every day and has already been on a field trip on the school bus with her class. That was such a great to her. We went to the local apple farm and picked apples. She had a blast. 

1st day of 1st grade for G

A at the apple farm enjoying the fruit of her labor.

*My brother and I are kind of talking again. I had a long chat with his wife about how I felt the day he yelled at me and she told me where it all came from. Apparently since I was born and he was 14, my parents have over looked him and paid all attention to me. As a baby and child this was understandable, but what I didnt realize till now is that they continued to do this as I aged to adulthood. Soooo I guess all the frustration of this came out on me at once and tho it was not my fault that they treated him this way, I cannot help but feel guilty about how he has felt since I came into the picture. We moved past it and ,while what he said before still hurts me now like it did then, I am at a place to understand and look past it. Thank GOD. 

*We got a new puppy. Yes I know, we have a zoo. Although we ADORE our border collie/brittany spaniel mix and he is the BEST dog in the world...he is not exactly intimidating when you come in the house uninvited. Being that J works so much and many of those shifts are overnights, we wanted something a little more ferocious looking to deter anyone from coming in. We adopted a doberman./german shepherd mix. She is still learning and is a large point of frustration for me right now....but IF we can get her house broken we will keep her and she will be a great dog. Her name is Pixie (yes I know, ironic since she will be 70-90lbs) and she is 14 weeks old right now. 

Pixie the day we got her.

* Lastly, J and I are thinking about becoming active in the youth group at our church. We helped with an activity they did last week (Amazing Race type scavenger hunt) and we both had soooo much fun. J drove a team and I held a challenge station. Afterwards, J decided that he wanted to talk to our pastor and ask about becoming a leader in the group. We start this Wednesday at their weekly bible study and are so excited to begin. We both connect so well with teens and can't wait to help shape them into young adults. J says the first thing he wants to do is sponsor a camping outing at the lake our family owns. We are working on it and are hoping for a bonfire, fishing, 4wheeling weekend with the youth. Its a work in progress but would be so awesome if we can get it done. 

The family lake

Ok so there you have it, my life in a bunch of nutshells since my last blog. Hopefully I can keep this more current and not have to update everyone on such a large scale next time. Have a great rest of Sept. 

             

Does %&*! ever stop hitting the fan???

I don't know what to write about today. I had a busy day taking the girls to a movie with little friends of theirs and their mom aswell. We went to lunch afterwards and then home for naptime. Once A woke up, we took G to her dad's house and I decided to go get my dad and take him to dinner. He's not doing well lately. I am really worried about his state of mind. My sister and I have tried to spend time over there with him more this week. His pool is open so thats an excuse to go without looking like overprotective daughters. He's so distraught about this whole thing with my mom and I don't have any more words to help him. So I went and picked him up, and we went to Applebees for dinner. We pulled in the driveway, and he said "drive all the way around the parking lot before we park so I can make sure that *man who mom is talking to* is not here" I was so saddened by this statement and in realizing that he does this EVERY time he goes anywhere now. Gas station, grocery store, walmart, restaurant, you name it. What has he been reduced to? This is destroying him and I can't help him. 

In other family news, my brother and I are not talking. (Yes I actually have a brother, most people are surprised by this because nobody knows him) This is what happened....

My sister and niece asked me on Saturday if I wanted to go to Davids Bridal with them to look for wedding dresses and of course I jumped all over that. I met them and they asked me to drive because it was hot and sis' cars AC is less than par. We get there just before 4 and I realize that I am supposed to pick up G from her dad around 5ish. So I text her dad and ask if its ok if I'm later. He says no, they have movie tickets. Well I can't just leave my sis and niece to go get her and my husband didnt have a carseat for our 3yr old in his Jeep, so I called (reluctantly) my mom. She was with her friend on her way to the blues festival. No luck. Finally I ask dad. When I call he says he is sitting there with my bro and his wife. I say will you guys maybe go get G from her dad, I am stuck in Fairview and can't get there soon enough for him to make his movie. Dad agrees and off he goes. 

I am leaving Davids Bridal by now just after 515pm and we are all loading in my SUV when my brother calls me. He asked me why dad has to go get my kid. I tell him briefly that I am in Fairview with sis and niece and that my ex needed me there asap, so I asked dad to go. He proceeded to yell at me saying, among other things, that I "using dad while he is going thru this mess with mom" "so you would have had to leave the mall sooner, oh WELL" I need to "grow up and pick up my own damn kids and stop using mom and dad to take care of my kids" along with a whole list of other insults!

Obviously, this was daggers to me. I cherish my relationships with my siblings and my brother and I have NEVER argued really. I tell him that I have been the one there for dad the whole time all this is going on, being a go between for everyone who needs informed on how he is doing...blah blah, but this doesn't seem to register with him. The call ended with my hanging up on him as I was driving and needed to not be so upset. Hanging up only stopped the further pain, but my heart had already been punctured and I bawled all the way home, all the way to pick up G from my dad (who was even more upset that all this was happening to his family) and pretty much up until J and I went to bed together at 11pm that evening. I was simply unable to stop myself. It was horrible. 

Yesterday I was at my dads picking up my niece and girls from swimming, and my other niece (brothers daughter) was there too. They both wanted to come over and sleep over that night, and I said of course! I ended up only with one tho, because my brother wouldn't let my other niece anywhere near me. SO on top of my parents falling apart, now I am dealing with a damaged sibling relationship and that may hurt as much. Prayers for all this would be totally appreciated and I'll keep you updated on what goes on from here. I need to quit talking about it tonight because its making me upset again just thinking about it again. Night all. Love!

Wow, didn't see that coming!

What to say about my past couple weeks? Wow. Who would have even thought I would be posting a blog related to this subject at 27 years old....but I may end up being a child of a broken home. After 49.75 years of marriage, my parents may end up ending things. My mom has moved out and is staying with a family friend short term while she finds an apartment. My dad is at home broken and bleeding his heart dry. Mom left once already this year back in March, but came home after about 5 days. This time its different though. This time there's another factor.

See my mom had pretty much already decided she was leaving and was going to end it. None of us 3 kids were really surprised by this. What surprised me was my dad asking me to check her phone records, because he was getting suspicious of her cell usage. (texting mostly) I did as my dad asked (glad he had requested it because we all were thinking the same thing) and we did uncover an unusually high number of minutes and texts being used on a single number. My sister and I's original thought was that it was her best friend who recently also left her husband of almost equally as long. Upon further investigation we found this number was also on my dads cell usage too, so we almost ruled it out as suspicious.....ALMOST. Until we figured out why it was on both their call logs. This was a friend of the family. This was my dad's closest living friend (he's lost 2 very close friends in the last few years) and this was the husband (soon to be ex husband) of that very same best friend who had left her husband not so long ago! Wow did that throw us for a loop. How do you even begin to deal with this?

Being believers in following things up in a biblical way, we decided not to tell my dad until we had sought wise counsel from some people. We went to mom and dad's pastor (also a long time family friend, tho also the brother of this man who mom was talking to) and told him what we found on the cell records. My sister gave him all the info of the amount of usage before disclosing who was being called. Once we had his honest opinion of the situation, we gave him the news that it was his brother. He was shocked and immediately agreed to confront him about it.

Not knowing where the loyalties would fall once confronted (with my mother or with his brother) and being unable to predict what was going to follow the confrontation, we decided to tell my dad what we had found before he could be ambushed by it the following day.

The next day the pastor/brother called us and said according to this man, they were just friends who talked and he hadn't realized how much time they were spending on the phone until it was laid out for him. He agreed to cease this behavior, also agreeing that it was inappropriate in the least.

My dad once informed on this, decided to keep a watchful eye on the phone records to see that the cease of calls was honored. It wasn't.

During all this, I have had multiple ugly fights and run ins with my mother, two not pleasant chats on FB with the other man and countless broken hearted conversations with my dad. I have called my mom out, tried to get her to see her wrong, and begged her to stop this. (I say stop this only meaning the emotional connection to this friend of my dads. nothing ever went beyond long talks on the phone)

As it stands right now, there is still contact with this man, mom is still looking for an apartment, and dad is a total emotional wreck. On top of this there is the up and down of their relationship and the one day fighting, next day discussing reconciliation. Needless to say the whole family is stressed, hurt, and angry. My sister and I are the most involved in all this, and myself even more so than her. For some reason my dad feels able to talk and open up to me about his feelings, cry on my shoulder, and cuss his anger out in my ear. While I am so grateful for this trust, and that he isn't holding in his feelings about this, its soooooo hard to put it all away and live my life right now. I feel like I haven't been able to be the wife, mother, friend, or aunt I usually am just because I am spending so much time on the phone with my family, or if I'm not on the phone I am just so emotionally exhausted and mentally wiped that I don't want to do anything. My house is a mess, my bills are getting overlooked (I'm taking care of that tomorrow) and my kids have had no summer fun in over a week.

How do you be there for those who were always there for you, bailed you out of your own stupidity, given you what they couldn't afford to give and stood by while you made mistakes knowing they were going to be the ones helping pick up the mess you made? How do you not loose yourself in this whole situation. How do you maintain a balance of priorities when you can't even balance your emotions? How do you keep a happy face with your children and a patient tongue with them, when you just want to crawl in bed and sleep off the mess of stress and exhaustion that has become your daily routine?

Summer at Last!!!

Well Summer vacation has started up finally. I have been so looking forward to these 3 months for a while now. G had her first week of summer vacation this week and it went okay. The only problem we ran into was the girls were spending so much time together that they got tired of each other. I am working on how to best alleviate that issue for the summer, but I am not sure I know what the best way is. Still working on that.
We had A's 3rd birthday party on the 28th of May and a lot of the gifts were outdoor themed so that
was exciting for them. I got her a splash pool for home with a little slide attached and some water squirting toys to go with it. We spent all day Monday and Tuesday outside playing with that stuff. They LOVED THAT, but then come Wednesday we had to take a break because mommy was burnt. I am hoping to get season passes to the local water park for the 3 of us, but its going to have to wait temporarily until we can get a few things caught up first. I know we will use the pass enough to make it worth spending the money tho, so I don't mind paying for them. We are also (hopefully) going to take the girls to 6Flags this year. A is finally old enough to ride a few of  the rides, plus the little toon town is perfect for her. G is a brave little toaster and is eager to try some of the bigger rides also. I REALLY hope she loves roller coasters like I do since my loving hubby hates them lol. I have a feeling that A will love those when she is old enough, because she loves being tossed around by daddy and spun all over the place. Another activity I'm hoping to get to sooner rather than later is the zoo. I know this sounds HORRIBLE but I have never taken G to the zoo myself. She has always ended up going with her dad or their family before we had a chance to go. BUT now that A is old enough to enjoy it, we are going to make it happen and I can't wait to see how that goes. A loves animals so much, and G loves being the big sister and telling her all she knows about everything. That will be a great day.
 I am also now aware of a business trip J's work is sending him on in Aug. They are going to New Orleans for a safety conference and are going to let me fly out with him. Its a week of paid accommodation for us, his meals are paid for and all we are paying for is my food, and the fun stuff. I am so excited! My main worry about all this is the fact that I will have to spend those days away from the girls. Normally a few days off wouldn't bother me, but the dates are concerning me. Its late in Aug and that means school will be started. A starts pre K and G will be in 1st. I know G will be up and running right away, because its nothing new to her but a teacher...A on the other hand I don't know what to excpect. She will be in her new class at the daycare starting this Mon (June 6) and by Aug will be accustomed to the teacher and surroundings...BUT she will begin going 5 days a week when school officially starts. As of now she goes once maybe twice a week, for the whole day. I don't know how she is going to react to the idea of being gone everyday. I really want to believe that since its a shorter day, she will LOVE it and we won't have a problem. I have a feeling this will be the case, mainly because she asks to go to "school" (daycare) almost everyday that G goes. While on our trip whoever cares for them will stay quite busy and I'm not sure how it will all go just yet. But we have a few months to plan that out and until then we are just going to enjoy my favorite season as much as we
can!!